I live in a prison. I break in nightly, but never out. It’s a craftsmen prison with white trim and blue siding. The windows are old-fashioned, the inside is a dream-prison. It was built in 2006. Last night, as I was breaking in, I set off the alarm. It was a reasonable 33 degrees outside. The water vapor from my mouth solidified into crystals before me as I stumbled into the backdoor. I unlocked the door with haste and listened, listened for the steady chirping to alert me that the prison’s alarm system had been set. It began a second after I opened the door. Every second a sharp and steady beep…beep. I had on brown leather gloves to ward off the cold, but when breaking into a prison whose alarm system has tiny buttons all lined up close to each other, leather gloves are a terrible decision. After the first beep¸ my panic ensued. I stumbled straight into the dark mud room with only a dim nightlight near the floor and the terrifying chirp of the alarm system to guide me. There’s roughly 10 alarm panels throughout the house, each one chirps wildly when you try to break in late at night, one of which is on the wall of the landlord’s room and, without fail, wakes him whenever it starts to sing its lullaby. In my panic I fumbled many times on the pad. I pushed the buttons too fast, pushed the wrong ones, finally began just pressing them without even attempting to hit the correct combination. After 20 seconds the pad alerted me that it had locked and I must find another pad to disengage the alarm system. 11:30, the neighborhood’s asleep and the alarm is warning me that if I do not disarm it within 40 seconds the neighborhood will no longer be so. 
I dashed up the stairs in a frantic run, found the pad at the top and, finally, pushed the correct combination, but all too late. As my finger came to rest upon the final number in the combination (my gloves now removed) the alarm alerted me that I was too-fucking-late. A scream not unlike a police siren erupted throughout the prison.
For miles, squirrels, humans, crows, and insects alike were awoken and began to foster a lifelong hate for me and my follies.
Sweat on my brow and panic in my underpants, I typed the combination once more and the prison fell silent. 3 seconds passed and one final beep echoed through the dark but awake halls of the craftsmen prison. My heart made one last thump and I stood at the top of the staircase, waiting. I felt like a child awaiting my punishment. I had my gloves in my left hand, my coat unzipped with a scarf flopping about my neck. Shock was printed on my face and I stood silently with a complete stillness, listening for the footsteps of the landlord.
They did not come. And I did not argue.
I got what I came for and dashed out the way I’d come.
As if I needed anymore persuasion, I’ve decided to end my time as a criminal and move to a nice, suburban, humble abode. One, hopefully, without a totally impenetrable alarm system. The problem with these systems is that they make the house one lives in feel almost entirely inhospitable. And unlike most prisons, college is not free here.
Plus, I could use cheaper rent. Anyone looking for a couch?
wireless burglar alarm…
I’ve gotta to add this to my system!…